Life update: All the Emotions , All the Feels

Sunday, 24 June 2018

Inspired by Cassie life updated on my blog, I decided to put pen to paper or in the case thumb to screen and write my own update. I mean I’m writing to to relinquish my self and would rather not let anyone see it. And I guess no one will see this cause people don’t read blogs anymore, more videos content. So this is sort of dairy, to pen what I am feeling.
Been in Nigeria for almost and year now and I can say it’s been a whirlwind but the dust is settled now. A lot has happened over the past few months which have eye openers
Firstly I had been having fun living my best life (this is before work started). I count 2017 as my best year so far, I was in the best city in  the world. (Birmingham, argue with your keyboard). Studying what I love and just generally happy. November December I was living the IJGB lifestyle, going out meeting new people. 
 But as 2018 set in, it seems to have taken away everything. I’m not longer as close to my father as I have been my whole life. Our relationship is very different now. We are not fighting anyone but we are just cordial. I’m no longer a daddies girl as used to be. Even when my mum was alive she used to call me my dad second wife, that’s how close I’ve been to my father. It hurts that our relationship is different now but I guess that part of growing up. 

I’ve also gotten my heart broken by someone who I didn’t want to have feelings for. Someone who I was perfectly fine with what our relationship was. It was like a trailer jam ( if you are Nigerian you get that reference). I was on my own basically and he just came to hit me. I took the bait and fell for it, and when things got just a little bit tough. He bailed , told me he couldn’t do this anymore, after telling that he had feelings for me and seeing us together forever. I still don’t understand how you can go from needing someone to completely disregarding them and acting that they are nothing to you. Oh well I guess I’m still out here clueless on that but for the most part I am over it.  However it doesn’t mean my love life is any better, I’ve gotten my self in a sticky situation; I currently have something with someone, a fling definitely not a relationship. And I mad confused about my feelings. I already know that he doesn’t want anything serious and I am happy about cause I’m not sure what I want either. Right now I’m confused about my feelings for him. Do I like him ? Or do I like the idea of him ? I think the world of him, he is such a wonderful person, so caring, so smart, so wonderful. In my checklist for everything I want in a partner he has it, so you see it’s not hard to like this person. But because he already told his intent, I have it at the back of my mind that this can never blossom anywhere. Even though he is so caring and in typical girl fashion I read meaning into it (sometimes) . I’m learning to stop that and just see everything for what it is and stop reading meaning into stuff.  
However it does get lonely; for the whole of 2018 so far, I am have been unhappy and unmotivated. I literally feel so alone and that I have nobody rooting for me or to depend on. I am no longer close to my dad, my friends are all far away and busy and I can’t be bringing my shit to them, my love life is a tragic mess. I no longer feel connected to God, I want to but I just feel like a supporting character in someone else’s blockbuster movie. Like there literally no one for me and I’m just a forgotten shoe that’s underneath the bed.
Also to top it all off, I don’t sleep well anymore. I literally find it difficult to go to sleep and STAY asleep. I don’t know if it’s stress from work or stress from life. Either ways I don’t sleep anymore. But with everything going on it doesn’t look like it, I’m still smiling , still laughing, still blowing up like a balloon about to burst. You would think that the one good thing that will come out of all of these is me loosing weight but it’s it opposite. Honestly I’m just tired of life and the way it’s going. I don’t want to commit suicide but I just wish I didn’t exist.
I just want to let go of all the hurt and pain and writing this has honesty been therapeutic for. I wrote down things I have not even admitted to myself before. I am not saying I am all of a sadden cured, but I do know at least a this moment I feel better

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